Greth

Due to the current situation I am not working but she is. Her job is highly physical, so when she comes home at night she is physically exhausted. A few times this week she has rejected my attempts to initiate sex saying she is tired. I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THIS, before anyone thinks I am complaining. I totally understand, and I immediately back off and just hold her while she rests from her day.

The problem is that last night she said "you'll have to wait for the weekend when I am more energetic". This is where my issue comes in - the way she worded it makes me feel like if we do have sex on the weekend it will only be for me since I am the one who "waited" for it. I would very much rather we only have sex when we are both into it. Am I worrying too much about this? I really do not want to put pressure on her in general, but in this situation, she is an abuse survivor and I never want to make her feel she HAS to "deliver". Should I let the weekend go by without initiating? I'd hate to think that she now feels "right, I turned him down twice this week, so we HAVE to do it this weekend. Poor guy's been so respectful, he deserves something"

My whole life I have been conditioned to never express any emotion other than happiness, contentment or neutrality. Any sadness, anger, or disappointment has been roundly squashed out of my by everyone in my life (my parents, my wife and my only other significant romantic relationship, prior to my wife, all reacted very angrily to any expression of anything remotely negative, and the one time I did express anger in front of my friends, they couldn't look me in the eye the rest of the day, making me feel like a social pariah).

All of this has led me to live what I feel is a very inauthentic life, moulding myself into whatever will be deemed "acceptable", never standing up for myself in a disagreement, always accepting blame to diffuse an argument.

It has got to the stage where I do not know myself at all - how can I know what will truly make me happy in life if I cannot honestly even say what my favourite colour is? (No joke, in the past week alone, my mind has changed on that stance 3 times). My only concrete ideas about myself at the moment are - male, heterosexual (I know this because I have tried to be with a man once when I was 17 and know for a fact that I like women), 33 years old, married. How can I go about learning about myself without getting into arguments and upsetting people around me?

I have never been an assertive "go-getter" type of person. I genuinely don't sweat the small stuff and am usually happy just to go with the flow. Some may call me a "pleaser". EVERYONE in my life has told me for years that I need to stand up for myself and be more assertive, calling people out if they disrespect or insult me. I have been started to push my comfort zone recently and EVERYONE - friends, family, my wife, literally all the people in my life - have said they like that I'm not being a "doormat" any more. My wife actually said the sentence "I am REALLY liking this side of you!"

Sounds great, right?

Well, no, because I HATE being like this. It's mentally and physically draining, and the last 2 nights I have waited till my wife has fallen asleep and cried from the stress. I don't dare show that to anyone though as those same people have ALL told me some variation of "don't get cross", or "you can either moan about it or do something about it" etc - basically I get no sympathy at all, just cold, emotionless advice.

So my question is: how can I manage this better? I am finally getting respect from people and they all seem to like me better, but I do not like me better. It feels so inauthentic and I feel like by being this way I am admitting that who I actually am is unacceptable.

I lost my virginity at 21 and after we broke up a year later, I was single (and completely celibate) for most of my 20s, eventually meeting my now wife at 27. During those "dry" years, I did a lot of reading and research and found that for the majority of women, penetration is not actually all that enjoyable. This has resulted in a form of sexual guilt. I find myself not very interested in penetrative sex since I know that she will not enjoy it as much as I do, and it is clear then that she is only doing it either for my benefit. This has now expanded to me now being uncomfortable receiving ANY kind of sexual pleasure - oral, manual, massage, whatever (though I have NO problem giving). I know this is not conducive for a balanced relationship, but I can't get out of my head whenever she tries to do something for me - I seem to have been conditioned/conditioned myself to believe that as long as she is satisfied, then all is well, but she has mentioned that I seem to "try too hard". How can I move past this and feel comfortable receiving?

My wife and I have had trouble conceiving due to an issue of mine (delayed ejaculation). My two best friends, however, seem unable to stop conceiving - one has recently had his third and the other got pregnant on her honeymoon. This has understandably made my wife jealous and now she is saying it will be too difficult to be around them as they keep asking "when will you guys be having kids?" However, she also says she does not want me to tell them to stop as this will invite them to ask why and she does not want them to know "our private business". Fair enough, but now how do I manage this? Go to meet them on my own and keep on lying to my friends about why my wife (whom they all love) is never there, or force my wife to go and watch her get more and more uncomfortable and depressed around the happy families and probing questions? We are still not pregnant btw. When I ask her how she wants me to handle the situation, she responds "I don't know" and the shuts down and changes the subject as it is obviously a sensitive area and I don't want to push it any further, but at the same time I want to sort this out somehow.

I've always been what many people consider "too nice" - will back down from an argument/concede to end the fight, will keep quiet and go with the flow if the majority want to do x and I'd rather do y, I never raise my voice, and have rarely if ever gotten truly angry about something. To me it is just not sweating the small stuff. However, everyone in my life - parents, friends, wife - keep telling me I need to learn to get into more arguments, disagree, put up "healthy" boundaries etc. to avoid being walked over. The trouble with this? Every. Single. Time I have tried this - multiple different situations, with many different people in those groups - always end up in the same situation; a huge argument where my natural demeanour means that I "lose" the argument as I am yelled at until I give in. Now isn't this "standing up for yourself" thing meant to make people respect you more and yell at you less because they see you won't just "take their sh*t" all the time? Because so far all that has changed is that I am in far more arguments and fights, pushing people away - and not even reaping the benefits of this increased respect I'm meant to be getting.

In light of all of this I have come to the conclusion that I actually preferred it when I was "too nice". My life was actually better because no arguments. Yet people keep telling me to keep going with it (it's been nearly a year now). I prefer being "too nice". Why is that a bad thing?

I have been doing a bit of research, asking friends, reading up etc and it seems to be the case that in the vast majority of cases that women do not orgasm from penetrative sex. Fair enough, facts are facts. My question to you ladies then is: if you don't find penetration all that enjoyable compared to other forms of sexual intimacy like foreplay, then why bother going past foreplay at all? One thing I read suggests that "intercourse becomes a reward for a good lover". No thank you very much! I'd hate to think that my fiancée is just laying there thinking "well he did x really well so I'll let him get his, I suppose". I'd feel so guilty (and if this is truly the case then I do feel guilty right now!)

Since men can get off from foreplay as well and the shared denouement from orgasm increases intimacy, if not trying to get pregnant, why do women bother with penetration? I'm genuinely confused and would honestly rather go without if it means that my amazing fiancée is lying there gritting her teeth/bored and waiting for it all to be over. I'd feel like the biggest user/jerk/pervert on the planet. Ladies, any insight would be very much appreciated. Thanks

So the post says it all really. Our sex life has always been good, although I do suffer from delayed ejaculation. Through solo exploration I have discovered the kind of thing I enjoy is man-dominant stuff, to do with the fact that I'm not normally the take-charge kind of guy so the idea of being like that really appeals to me.

Here's the problem though - early on in our friendship before we got together, she told me she was sexually abused when she was younger and refuses to get counselling for it as she doesn't want anyone to know, including her family. Not really a problem in itself as I only have to avoid a few trigger factors so far which is not difficult. But she's now asking what my fantasy is and she really wants to try it since it may help my delayed ejaculation. However I find myself scared to try anything in case I bring up demons of what happened to her. She has said that she will just tell me and we can stop anything that scares her. However I know if it comes to that, I will be so upset that I reminded her of that, I REALLY never want to hurt or scare her. How can I just get out of my own head and not be so scared? If she hadn't told me what had happened to her I don't think I'd be having this issue although I really appreciate that she trusted me with the information. How do I get past this?

I know this sounds stupid, since she has agreed to marry me, but hear me out on this:

I've never thought of myself to be the hilarious, get-people-rolling-in-the-aisles type, and having read over and over again (and heard first-hand) that the number one attractive trait women look for in a man is an ability to make her laugh, I worried that this would set me back in finding love. However, when I met my fiancee, I found that suddenly, to her at least, I was hilarious. Things I said and did made her laugh so much. I began to realise that I had a chance, and it worked. However, in the last few months, this has all changed. Now the best I get when I joke around is a dry "aha, you're not funny!" or "look who thinks he's a comedian". However, there are two of her co-workers who she tells me (and who I've also seen first-hand) who regularly get her - her words "rolling on the floor, dying laughing". Is it stupid of me to be worrying about what has changed? Thank you in advance

I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half now. We met while we were both working overseas and made the decision together to relocate back to the UK. We have talked about taking the next step in our relationship and getting engaged for a while now - things just haven t seemed right what with relocating back to the country and then moving into an apartment together. My mother has even expressed her happiness that we are going that way.

However, my brother returned from a short holiday with his girlfriend recently and dropped the news that while they were away, they got engaged. This shocked my girlfriend as she had hoped we would be engaged first, with me being the older brother. My only question now is this: I do not want my proposal now to seem like I am just rushing it to save face with my girlfriend (who is already making jokes like "when you FINALLY do it..." etc), or that I am stealing my brother s thunder. My girlfriend is saying she thinks we re going to have to wait until after their wedding - but my brother told me that won t be for a couple of years yet. I just feel now that I am navigating a minefield of "can t make it seem rushed to girlfriend/can t do it too soon and step on my brother s toes. All I wanted was to make sure we were settled properly and now I feel like I need to toe a certain line so as not to ruin the moment - something I have dreamed of since I was 11 years old. What should I do?

I am a 28 year old, living with my girlfriend. She is a real extrovert - she started a new job not so long ago and by the end of her first shift she knew everyone by name, had nicknames for all of them, was joking around with them and having the time of her life. Me, on the other hand, I find it very difficult to make new friends; I've been at my job for just over a month and would say that there is no one I would consider a friend there - just work colleagues. I just find myself unable to hold conversations so I don't really get into them. The friends I do have have all either moved far away so it's difficult to see them, or have settled down, got married and started a family of their own, which I understand will now be their new primary focus. My girlfriend is currently on a bit of a training period which means she is working almost every hour under the sun, so we don't have much time together as my day off and hers do not coincide, and due to her long hours, when she is home she is sleeping (she regularly pulls 15 hour shifts and doesn't leave work until 3am many days). I work only evenings, so I am home during the day and I find myself feeling a bit lonely. As I said in the title, I don't make friends very easily and everyone I am close to seems so busy these days. I don't even know what I am hoping to get from this, whether it's advice or just to let off some steam from feeling so alone.

I am 28 and recently it has hit me like a tonne of bricks how much I missed out on (through personal choice) when I was younger. The friends I made all enjoyed and still enjoy going out to clubs all night and getting black-out drunk. I kept forcing myself to go in the hopes that the enjoyment would suddenly one day "click", but it never did. I kept making really flimsy excuses to leave early - I even once used the excuse that my grandmother had just gone into hospital, just to give me an excuse to get out of there without being called a "party-pooper". I was also very sheltered for most of my life, my parents giving me everything so I never felt the need to go out and work for myself until I was 18. My girlfriend even calls me "Mr Sensible" which while well-meaning, I find upsetting because to me it means "Mr Boring" because I never did any of that stuff when I was younger, and somehow she is STILL more life-experienced and a more attractive hiring prospect in terms of work so I can't even say I am not reaping the benefits of it all. Hell, my PARENTS even told me that I had to dress "funkier" when we went to see a Queen concert last week, and my gf patronisingly said she'd have to take me shopping for some "funky" clothes. And it's not like I can "do it all now", as we are hoping to get married and start a family soon, so I need to keep myself grounded now. I feel like it's all still in my system and straining to get out but that it's no too late. Any help or advice?

For most of my life (I recently turned 28), I have been passive and easily able to ride out disappointment or anger by being optimistic and calm - my girlfriend even calls me the "water to her fire", which I LOVE! My friends and family also have similar opinions of me. In reality it is just because I don't express my anger at all. I live very much by the "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it" policy. However recently I have noticed my feelings of anger are impossible to ignore - I have had to resort to physically isolating myself to avoid letting it blow up, and now people are starting to notice that something is wrong. My girlfriend wants to know what is up, saying she "wants her boyfriend back", but when I have tried to tell her, I apparently can't just let it out without upsetting someone. Maybe it's because they aren't used to me being upset or whatever, I don't know, but point is suddenly when I try to explain why I am upset or down, they accuse me of snapping or acting like a child. Apparently I have no idea how to express my anger, so can anyone give me any tips or techniques on how to just keep them suppressed? Please don't say "you should let it out if it bothers you", because I am doing that but all it does is upset those I care about, so please, I need some ways to either ignore it or just remove them completely. My hugest thanks in advance.

For the longest time, pretty much my whole life, I have been excellent at keeping all my anger inside and suppressing it, dealing with problems and disagreements in a calm, rational manner, always one to say, whenever someone asks me "sure I feel angry sometimes, but there are ways to sort out issues other than arguing - calm discussion, etc." and this has been my way of life for as long as I can remember (I'm 28 next week). However, for the past few months, I find myself noticing more and more, problems and issues around me, and in my head, I mentally explode at the people concerned, and imagine myself arguing them into total submission. It's even got to the stage where I am now doing what "everyone" does and snapping at people when I feel annoyed. It is only recently I have noticed this change in me all of a sudden, after I did it at my girlfriend, who doesn't deserve that at all. I want to go back to how I used to be, it's how I was happiest, how I'm comfortable. So does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this sudden increase in destructive anger? I hate arguing and snapping at people, and I wasn't always so weak that it kept getting to me, and I don't know what is different. My girlfriend says that I am the "water to her fire", and I want to stay that way - too much fire is dangerous. Can anyone help me?

He's 24 (3 years younger than me) and is GREAT at meeting people - it just comes so effortlessly with him. Add to this that he has a VERY well toned body (he's been working at it for years), and I can't help but feel eclipsed by him. My ex girlfriend (we've been broken up for 3 years now, but the memory of this one still cuts deep) used to always say "I don't like a man to have too many muscles", then suddenly one afternoon said to me "you know, I'm starting to see the appeal to his body".

He pretty much had to drag me to a pool party today, which is not my scene at all, but I went anyway. Sure enough, within seconds, he had a rapport going with our waitress, who was flirting with him SO much...and he also asked one of the other waiters to "send us some women", and when 4 showed up, he instantly got chatting to all of them. I, on the other hand, struggled to maintain a conversation at all.

He keeps telling me that I need to maximise on what I can offer people, particularly with women, but from the way I see it, he has what most women want - confidence and a good body. I, on the other hand stutter, have VERY low self-esteem and the only thing I can really do that he can't is sing (classical training for years - but when has classical every been sexy? It's normally rock that women like).

He is still single, but that's because he is playing (I hate to call him a player, but that's what he is). He has NO shortage of options, should he want them. There IS a girl I know who has made it clear she likes me, and I really like her, but what is stopping me from pursuing things is that I don't feel I can offer her much, compared to my brother (and I'm scared she will also soon see his "merits" as opposed to mine - not that I have many, I don't think).

I hate feeling like this, because it's not HIS fault. He doesn't deserve my jealousy, but I REALLY feel like no matter what I do - I could work out and get a good body too, in fact, I AM - I will always be invisible next to him. I feel like telling this girl to look at my brother instead. She really is incredible, and I want her to be with someone who is in her league. Can anyone help?

I'm 26, nearly 27, and I'm what all of my friends call "the one that makes them feel better. The one they know they can come to with problems and I will make them feel better"...unfortunately, if I'm not helping them out, most of them (my family included here) have a tendency to talk over me all the time or just ignore me and not react when I say something (for example, if someone asks where something is, I will clearly answer them, then about a second later, they will ask again, and when someone ELSE answers, they will say "oh thanks" to THEM).

Now normally I'm VERY good at keeping my frustration with this situation to myself (I've seen what happens when I show how annoyed I am in the past...people get scared of me, because they're not used to it. I know I've backed myself into a corner on this one, and now I have to deal with it. That's not my question, I know I just have to accept this as a fact).

My question is that what now happens as a result, is that whenever I talk to my family, I seem to let it all out to them in either anger, annoyance, or just seeming depressed (it's happening right now, and we're on HOLIDAY for **** sake. I shouldn't be doing this to them).

So my question is this: I need a sure-fire way to be able to curb these feelings for good, and stay the same easy-going, never-stressed-or-upset person that my friends see. I'm not going to let them see this side to me because as I have already said, when I let them see my more "human" side, they are either scared of me, or make fun of me, and I can't keep doing this to my poor family. I want a way to stop getting angry at EVERYTHING. I consider myself a strong person, but clearly I'm not if I'm always unloading on my family. Please help

...but I have no problem chatting by text or on facebook chat. I know this sounds like a teenager's problem, and I feel ridiculous writing this at 26 years old, but it's a genuine worry of mine. Whenever I'm with someone in person, conversation comes VERY hard for me and normally after a few minutes it peters out to a rather charged silence. However, as I have said, when I don't have to physically TALK, I have much less of a problem. OK yes, so I stutter, and that may be a reason, but I have gone through therapy my WHOLE life to overcome it, and have only recently noticed this problem, so it can't be that my therapy hasn't worked and I'm just nervous about speaking, surely? Any advice on becoming more social? I don't want to become a recluse, who everyone sees as boring.

I'm 26, and ALL my life I have been the kind of person to put the happiness of others before my own. If my friends and family, those I care about, are happy, then so am I. I'm also something of a people-pleaser. I do a lot of things that probably, if I had honest free choice, I wouldn't necessarily do, just to get people to approve and feel good.

Since I was 11, I have known I wanted to get married and have children some day, even though all of my friends thought it was stupid of me to have this idea so young. Now though, at 26, a LOT of people I know are getting engaged, married or having children. I couldn't be happier for them all, but a BIG part of me is jealous. WTF??? Why am I NOW being so selfish?? What is wrong with me?

Why can't I just be happy for them, without thinking that they've "beaten" me to it?

I know a lot of the advice I will get here is to change up my social and professional circle. Only trouble is that I live and work in France (I'm English) and in a job I REALLY enjoy. I don't want to give that up just for the CHANCE of finding a relationship. Most of the people I know who are having these big life-changing events met their other half IN work, but tbh the girls in work don't really do anything for me. None of them are attractive - mostly because of their VERY immature attitudes (a LOT of the men I work with are gay, and the girls then assume we ALL are, while the ones who aren't are in relationships - mostly true, but to them, it's 100% true, which then means that those straight men who ARE single somehow don't count!).

I just need to know how to stop feeling jealous of everyone. I know I'm nowhere near that goal myself, even though it's something I've wanted all my life, but these people are my friends. How do I stop resenting them for being happy? I feel like a VERY bad person. Thank you in advance

Let me be QUITE clear first: I am NOT insulting women or making them out to be spoiled or anything. This is a GENUINE question I have, after having read through a NUMBER of posts on this forum.

It seems that girls tend to base their idea of "being in love" on how well a guy treats them. I have always seen it. For example the question "I love this guy who treats me like dirt, but there's a guy who only wants to treat me like a princess, but I don't have any feelings for him" is met more often than not by the answer "go with the other guy. He knows how to treat a woman". From all of this, it seems like men fall in love with the girl for who she is, but girls fall in love with a man for what he can do for her. Again, I am NOT saying this IS the case or calling women attention-seekers. All I am doing is wanting to be enlightened a little bit as to whether this is true. Because I have always believe that you should not chase love. If it is not freely given, then it is not worth it, but from all of these posts, it seems like women get love from men freely all the time, but a man almost always has to "earn" it by spoiling the girl. Can any of you girl help me understand this a little bit better? Apologies if I have offended anyone, that was not my intention. I will answer yours. Thanks.

I HATE the idea of anyone doing anything for me that they do not want to do - even the smallest favour.

I absolutely HATE the idea of anal sex (sorry for the details). The idea disgusts me 100% and I do not know why so many men love it so much (I'm male btw). My gf told me that she's tried it once and didn't like it at all. So far so good, right? No problem.

BUT then a few weeks ago she was REALLY upset by something that happened at uni and she told me she needed to learn to say "no" (apparently, she agreed to send another student all of the notes from a class he'd deliberately not come to). I told her to practise on me, but she said she wouldn't feel right. So I decided to throw something her way and see how she reacted. She KNOWS that even though I've never done it, the idea of anal sex disgusts me AND I know that she didn't enjoy it. But I told her I wanted to try it "just to see" and she replied "if you really want to, I'll try it with you".

This really scared me and I told her that it was just a test. WHY is she willing to do that? She told me she DIDN'T enjoy it. Even if I DID really want to try it, I would NEVER suggest it, knowing that. Sex is a MUCH more invasive process for a girl and the fact that she's offering to do something she hates (not even "didn't enjoy that much", she actually used the word "hate") just for me worries me. How many other things is she doing for me then that she doesn't enjoy? I'm now finding myself second-guessing EVERYTHING with her in case it's another thing where she's actually not enjoying it at all, but just doing it for me.

I would MUCH rather go without, myself, than see her put through anything she doesn't enjoy. I'm freaking out here, because I love her and HATE the idea of her doing ANYTHING she doesn't want to do, or throwing out her own schedule for me. What can I do to calm down and ignore this VERY BIG worry of mine? Thanks in advance.