The Gift of Fear; Do women put themselves in danger by ignoring their instincts?

Question

The author Gavin de Becker suggests that women often end up in danger of being assaulted, raped or murdered because they ignore their initial instincts.  That when we feel that something or someone is a danger to us we ignore these feelings as we don't want to appear rude (a *****), that we are bought up to be polite.

He suggests that most women who are attacked, raped etc. have a premonition of danger or instinct against a man before it happens.  He suggest that we feel something is wrong but ignore feelings thereby putting ourselves in danger.

One example he gave was if we are alone waiting for a lift and the door opens to reveal a single man, even if we feel something is wrong and take an instant dislike or fear of that person, rather than appear rude we would get into the lift.

He suggests we are the only animal who ignore the danger instinct and talk ourselves out of running away.

I listened to several women who had been through a violent or sexual attack who supported this theory, I wonder if this is just thinking in hindsight or whether we should all pay more attention to our feelings and instincts.

I am interested to know what other women think.

Gwendolyn · Accepted Answer

I don't think ignoring your instincts is only dangerous to women. I believe it is equally dangerous to men. I also believe humans have higher reasoning capacities than most animals. Fear does not exist to make me afraid. It exists to warn me of danger and there are many ways to handle most danger. Still, ignoring my instincts is not on my own list of ways to handle danger.

eskie lover · Answer

I totally agree.  Every time something bad has happened to me, I didn't trust my gut!  I learned that lesson in grad school.  One night after a class ended late, I walked down a long flight of steps to the parking lot by myself.  I should have waited for some other classmates who were asking the prof questions and I knew were parked near me.  As I descended the steps, I noted that it was not well lit and heard a leaf crunching/branch breaking sound coming from the garden beside the steps.  I ignored it feeling that it must be a rodent or animal.  Well, a big guy jumped me almost as soon as I heard the noises.  Thankfully, I had a very big and filled book bag on my shoulder which I immediately started to use to wail on him.  Then, I was trusting my gut which reminded me how many heavy books I had in there and that I could use it to my advantage.  Now, I trust my instincts a heck of a lot more and carry a huge canister of pepper spray with me every where I go.

Blessed Rain · Answer

I think Feminism has "helped" women want to ignore the signs, it would be easy for me to say "Sorry I am waiting for a friend I'll catch the next one." (for your for example) however women now don't want to appear weak or paranoid and many have convinced themselves that they are tough enough to handle anything.
Personally whenever I get those "chills or feelings" (like walking in a dark parking lot to my car) I pay more attention to my surroundings, and put myself on guard just in case and if I can avoid an area - I do it.
If I get a bad feeling about a man I don't get over it nor have I ever "pushed" through it - nor have I ever regretted the action I have never found out later that he was "A really good guy" normally I find out that I was fully justified in my immediate dislike.

However I also don't understand women who put themselves in dangerous situations - jogging alone at night, drinking heavily at parties with lots of people you don't know.... ect

? · Answer

gift fear women put danger ignoring instincts

slinkies · Answer

I both agree and disagree  ...  I think our instincts could alert us, but my instincts have often made me feel in danger when I wasn't ...  I firmly believe it is about not letting yourself become a target ...  I will try and find this article my boyfriend sent me ...  

but basically, know your surroundings and be on guard at all times ...  if you are savvy, you never have to appear rude ...  always look aware and notice your surroundings ...  the lift example - easy - step into the safety zone of the elevator door so it won't close, reach into your pocket and ask if he knows where ...  oh, crap, I forgot my note, I'm terribly sorry, turn as if going to retrieve something, then take the next lift ...  if you are aware and capable, you are rarely going to be picked as a target, and if you are savvy, you don't need to appear rude ...

also take a personal self-defense class and carry a taser or pepper spray or whatever the law allows ...  if you find yourself in closed quarters, smile, act gracious, and position yourself to watch out of the corner of your eye ...  and be confident and prepared to act if a person tries something ...  in general, avoid the situation and have practice phrases to excuse yourself ... don't be a target and be prepared to react and escape in the event you are in danger ...

marybuko · Answer

I've heard of this book but haven't read it.  I recently read a book by the crime writer, Ann Rule, about the Green River Serial Killer, called "Green River Running Red."  Gary Ridgway, operated in the Seattle, WA area and killed about 50 women before he was put away by the state of WA.  Rule points out that instincts can betray a person because Ridgway would come across to a woman as very harmless.  Most of the women he killed worked as prostitutes, and to put them at ease that he was harmless, he kept his young son's toys in the car to show them a man who kept these in a car wouldn't harm a woman.  He told investigators after he was captured that that was a ploy to get the woman to trust him, but he knew that after the sex he was going to kill them.  So what about instinct in this case?  All these women, obviously, thought that Ridgway was a nice guy and would treat them decently.  They were dead wrong.  I think, as women, whether we work as prostitutes or not we still are the weaker sex and vulnerable to be preyed upon by male power.

Hey! · Answer

Im a woman and I tend to rely a lot on my instincts. The results are not what you'd expect. I sometimes find it easier to trust strangers than people I've known for a long time. Its difficult to explain, but I feel safer around some men than others, depending on the vibes they give out.

Damsel In Distress · Answer

Yes!  Every single ex boyfriend of mine fit the description in Gavin De Beckers book, and I instinctively felt that something wasn't right when I met these "nice men" (they were known as that in the community) However, everyone else was telling me that I was too paranoid or that I was misjudging these men. I gave in to everyone, b/c I didn't want to seem mean or judgmental.  How funny it was when my instincts proved right years later.  


Gavin De Becker also points out how people will tell you to ignore your instincts or that you're just being silly.  Following your instincts can help a lot, but learn how to stand up to people that will tell you otherwise. 


Even when it comes to dating or making friends with people...if something doesn't feel "right" in the beginning, don't put yourself out there just to please others or you will be saying "Why didn't I listen to my gut" years later.

Peace of Mind · Answer

Obviously Im not a woman . I do believe that man as a species has has devolved our ability to use instincts . Maybe some time in a distent  past we were capable of instinctive behavior . It may be possible to relearn those instincts . I honestly don't know how but Im sure its a possibility.......Peace

Anonymous · Answer

I believe that to a certain extent. When I was younger, I tended to ignore my instincts as to not appear rude or anti-social. I've had a few dicy situations because of that. 

Now, if I get a bad vibe, you bet I listen.

The Gift of Fear; Do women put themselves in danger by ignoring their instincts?

13 Answers