How do I come out of the wardrobe?

I'm a wimpy straight man trapped in a macho man's body. What shall I do to become a real ugly fat ordinary man? I do not like it when gays and hot babes flirt or try to get my attention. I hate it. I have tried everything and yet they still annoy me.

Why can't people leave me alone? I am a middle aged man and even small kids always talk to me. Young teenage girls ask me silly fatherly advice or is it a sexual advance. I'm not interested in their sexual escapades or orientation.

Hot babes and old bags are the worse kind. They seem to expect me to help them with directions, shopping about fashion ( I know nothing about the trends), invite me for a coffee or an alcoholic drink( Yak!) and chat all day long about trivial matters. No way.

Even when I look scruffy, unkempt and wear casual clothing I still get dirty looks.

I have tried to act like a moron, a mentally disturbed idiot and commit solecisms by using fowl language to rid these pests. Even single mothers tend to gravitate towards me too.

All I want is to be left alone. I enjoy my own company. I need solitude, peace and quiet to do my own work.