I'm a defensive person and my wife says I am difficult to talk to. How do I fix this?

You can stop being defensive with the people you love!! And when there is an issue, stop and think about it before you start on the defensive. If you don't understand the issue, ask questions. If you aren't sure how you feel right off the bat? Ask your wife or your loved one if you can think about it for a bit.

You don't have to look at your wife's issues or your marital concerns as something which is going to attack you and cause you to defend yourself. Your wife is your HOME. ... and you ought to be able to talk with her, even if it's about a problem. Take a deep breath and pause, then decide whether you can talk about it rationally or if you need time to think about whatever-it-is. If you need some time, then let her know. She deserves to hear your true feelings, not a bunch of bullshlt defensive stuff.

Stop it. Do it mentally .. you can do it. It's possible !! (and can be done) .. so you can do it (if you really want to).

Learn to not talk when it over-comes you .. and to listen. You already know that you will become defensive - so hold it in.

Use a soft voice .. and soft mannerisms. Smile . Make a habit of it (every time).

You won't be letting people run all over you ... people knows that you won't allow this to ever happen.

It doesn't matter if she's teasing or not -- just let her go with the flo - and you be sweet and kind.

When you do these things - it will eventually change for you.

I know how it feels to walk on egg shells (awful feeling).

Be talkable .. be approachable ... you can do it .. but it will take time because she will be on guard for a very long time.

Just stop it .. and change it.

You first have to learn why you behave as you do, to determine if you want to change it or not. Chances are high you will need to enlist the help of a counselor or therapist for this. Communication is key in any relationship. If your wife doesn't feel she can communicate with you, because when she tries you beat yourself up instead of trying to work through the problem together, then over time things are just going to get worse. Eventually, all the things she didn't say to you, will come exploding forth and you may end up beating yourself to a bloody pulp (metaphorically speaking), because she held back for far too long. You two could likely benefit from couples counseling also. It would help her learn ways to address things with you in a manner less likely to cause you to focus on beating yourself up, and more likely to focus on whatever needs to change to resolve the issue.

I think this is a pretty easy fix. I know that the regulars are going to disagree but this is actually REALLY, REALLY easy. Are you ready for this? Your easy fix is: "Be you".

Now, I'm not going to leave you that without an explanation, because the you that you think you are is really "you". Don't be "you", instead be you! Confused you yet? Okay, here we go with the explanation.

"You" is an idea word. "You" is the collection of a bunch of ideas that gets spewed around on the internet, at church, by our idealistic mothers, by our idealistic spouses, and by your idealistic bosses. "You" is the concept that you aren't enough and you need to become "You" to do the task at hand... But here's the problem with this concept of "You", this "You" doesn't exist. All you have is you, not "You". If you don't have the skills to be "You", then you are the wrong fit for the job. It's not about being perfect, and it isn't about making mistakes, it is entirely about you becoming that person's idea of who "You" should be... It is nothing more than transgressions of an aggressor telling you to change because you aren't meeting their expectations (which is a lie that you have to meet their expectations if they aren't PAYING YOU to do it).

Your wife needs to stop butting in and trying to control you. If you are cooking a meal and she doesn't like the way you are doing it, hand her the spatula and say "Okay, well you take over then" and walk out of the room. When she says "Hey, it is your turn to cook" tell her that you don't like back seat drivers and she is going to eat whatever you cook whether she likes it or not. (Mind you, I am assuming you are competent in cooking; so if you aren't, just get out of the kitchen and tell her you want to take a cooking class - then go to one so you can do your share in the house).

If she tries to say stuff like "I believe you don't know how to cook" that is still pegging blame on you even if it starts with "I". Teach her to be respectful towards you and to treat you with care (treat her to not be a d|ck). The better way to word that sentence would be "I believe the meals we eat has a specific way it needs to be cooked". That is the real problem, her idealism of how things HAVE to be done. This issue has less to do with you, and more to do with her.

Also, about your defensiveness, I actually see no problem with defensiveness. How can you be safe around aggressive people (especially hostile instigators) if you don't protect yourself? Just don't defend WHY you did something; instead defend yourself by pushing them back on their side of the line and say "Why do you care?". When a person realizes that you aren't going to stand for transgressions, they back off. And if they don't, quit your job or file a divorce.

No one should have to put up with a person who needs to be in control all the time. Life should be about respect.

Stop it.

You are not being defensive if you are "beating yourself up".

It sounds like you have serious esteem issues.

Therapy is indicated.

My question for you is simple, Does she start comments with,

"you should/need to" or "I feel"?

If " you should/ need to" she needs therapy as well.